Writing with depression and anxiety
...Cheery title, eh?
The truth is, I currently fit the stereotypical portrait of a poet during the beat generation in New York City. Or a scene from Rent anyway.
The only difference is I reside in a rather lovely but twee village called Tansley in Derbyshire, England. It isn't New York but we have two pubs, two churches and zero shops. So at least our priorities are firmly in place.
However, everything else ticks the relevant boxes for the 'failing writer' poster girl. I am recently unemployed from a job I loved, I have a pile of empty but very pretty notebooks, a word document with unfinished ideas, and a prescription of Sertraline to boot. Pass me a bottle of rum and shut all the curtains and I'm practically Ginsberg, just without the genius words.
On a side but relevant note, I just wrote 'Asda delivery- 11/12ish' in my planner, just so the week looked less bare. I also contemplated opening a spam email entitled 'Is your mascara letting you down? It's not your fault!' just to have the most low-key Good Will Hunting moment ever.
Come one, come all, point fingers and mock- and feel better about your own lives... 'Hey, I screwed up but at least I'm not Ellie!' Hurrah, I have a purpose! Without even having to star on a reality TV show!
Okay, enough of the pity party. I'm supposed to be writing about writing. Far too many literal and metaphorical tabs open.
The point is, if it isn't already blatantly apparent, I am not in the most chirpy frame of mind at the minute. Yet, writing has always been my sanctuary my escape...so, what to write? What to write that won't make the reader turn on Handmaid's Tale just to cheer themselves up a bit?
I suppose the only advise I can give to somebody in a similar position is to write for you. Nobody else but you. Just write and get it all out. It's like that scene from Pixar's Inside Out. Bing-Bong is sad and begins to cry. The character of 'Joy'' tries to cheer him up by pulling faces and jollying him along, to no effect. However, 'Sadness' sits down and acknowledges Bing-Bong's pain. She hugs him and says things like, 'that must make you feel sad, that must be hard...' after a while, much to the surprise of Joy, Bing-Bong says, 'Okay, I'm alright now.'
Now, I'm not suggesting life is that simple. However, in my experience, crying and screaming to an empty page really is a gift that we as writers should embrace more. Forget grammar, forget character development, forget fancy words... the least it will do will release some pent up emotions, which can only be good for your mental health. Get one of those pretty notebooks you are scared to write in... what is the point of an empty page?
The best it could do, however, is develop you as a writer. I'm not saying this is something you should think about at the time you are 'scream-writing' [quite like that term, is it already a thing?!] but it is something you can return to when you are writing to be read. These are deep, real emotions and, without realising, you may just find some golden words, sentences, even a story amongst the angst. J.K. Rowling developed the dementors in Harry Potter based on her depressive episodes. Re-read the descriptions and you can see so clearly how she used that despair and fear to create creatures that are so terrifyingly real. It is truly haunting.
Creativity never really goes away- it's within you, even when you are your lowest. It may one day help somebody else out of a similar rut... so whilst you thought you were writing for yourself, you were being more productive than you think.
So, scream at that page fellow writers... and if that fails, start a blog. Apparently that can be quite theraputic too.
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